A Parade of Unhappy Anniversaries

I do not understand

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 16:07:39 GMT

For this is the kind of sadness you don't write on pages of paper for you can't. And it kills.

Update

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 18:48:06 GMT

I have gone to the more silent side of the world (and the heftier and heavier too), where fighting is done mostly solely and crying is a a story permanently mute. It is a tough world where you battle against your life and the lives around you. However, at the end of the rope, you smile at the whirlwind the life you chose is because you would not have it in any other form--- for this is the form where your muscles get tougher, where sunrises become the gift, where failure is a motivation, where open arms is a signal of welcoming whatever comes your way, good or bad, where your ability to fight is just as unimaginable as your world on fire.

It has been far too long.

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 18:24:23 GMT

And I may not be able to tell this side of the world the changes that have sprouted out of the soil of my life. But I will try to at least relive the days to be spent when they're done. I'll fix my life and I will write again.

Of course, I will.

---

I have decided to write my life. Journal, in handwriting. That's going to be more heartfelt. more personal. Yey!

---

2009-78808: Who said I won't be able to make it? :)

Sat, 18 Apr 2009 18:24:47 GMT

More than just not having the You I fell in love with, I think I have lost you before it is even official. Sadly, our days are not meant to go on smoothly with summer air. And I expect that some time this season, this season where everything changes, you will be gone like the fleeting cold air of December.

Just before I almost withdrew my writer dreams from myself...

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 17:21:08 GMT

I thought, if I have lost that tinnie tiny writer in me, I would not admire the scent of chilly night in summer.

Here's a Little Solution to Your Big Problem

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 17:18:03 GMT

1. To want is human.
2. To need is human.
3. To feel is human.
4. To want and to need to feel love is human. 4.5. It may even be more human than breathing.
5. Get rid of that utter insensitivity. Go back to number 3.

'Cause you see, there is more to love than just words.

Saddest

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 13:44:34 GMT

One night, my pen snuck out of the door of my poetry.

Until now, it has not come back.

Lord, again, I'm coming to You for this.

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 15:46:30 GMT

Dear Lord,

I do come to You every morning and night and on random moments during my day. I pray over every meal, every test, every ride back home. And since the time I can remember, I know that You have always watched over me like You do to everybody else. I know that this world is asking for cure and happiness. Hands down, it has bigger problems than mine. But Lord, knowing You well, You won't miss out a single person in this world. So my problem may just be an ant when placed beside the world's adversaries but... Lord... I'm coming to you again for this.

I remember a year ago, my dreams went down the drain. It all went away just like that. But along the way, I saw what You wanted for me. And I believe that whatever You wanted me to learn then, I already have now.

And maybe You saw that this time, I deserve my dreams. So You were the one to pick those dreams up again for me. Now, I'm back to chasing it again...

Lord, I have done what I could. I'm doing what I can. And I ask you this, just this one Lord... UP. I really want to go to UP and I know no school will ever hold my heart this way. Just this dream, Lord. Just this one.

People who use LJ may not read my entries but I know You do.

Thank You, Lord.

Love, Queenie

Just Asking

Thu, 01 Jan 2009 19:43:31 GMT

How come I never moved you to write something for the world to read about me? (Siguro naman kasi, Queenie, mas na-move NIYA yung love of your life mo.)

How come, when she chose to leave you behind, in your every word and every frkn online blog entry, there was this need for her? And more painful to accept, even with your words, you were running after her. (Queenie naman kasi baka hindi ka kawalan.)

Why am I jealous of a year-old story, of a girl forgotten by the past year? (Queenie kasi alam mong... hindi ka niya mahal tulad nung SA KANYA. Hindi ka naman si Patricia Beatrice. Hindi ka niya kayang mahalin ng bonggang-bongga.)

I think I have turned into a schizo myself. Why answer my own questions, you may ask? Because it's better, I think, to answer my own questions with the facts that I have than hear her say them to me herself.

Mas masakit yun.

Okay I feel stupid. And and and... I feel like I'm crazy.

Okay lang LJ naman to. NO ONE CARES TO READ. :> (PLEASE PLEASE SANA WAG MO NANG PUNTAHAN TONG SITE NA TO)

I want to change the world! (HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 14:30:31 GMT

... so I start changing it.

Biggest Thanks and Much Love for 2008 :).

My year went by like this...

I was under a canopy of fireworks when the world declared a change of year. After that, I found myself lying on my chest with one hand cradling a bottle of piss-tasting beer and the other rotting with one cig. And I was crying. Because while I was lit up by numerous fireworks embedding the sky with colors, I called up my ex-lover and she deliberately told me that she wanted me out of her life. Happy new year, yes? And after a while, I sent a message to the other who I liked and still do, only with the benefits of love now.

And my entire year has been like that, bad things and good things in one package. It was not so bad.

January is composed...
...sneaky meet-ups with Jo, Jean and Ro-an
...Jo holding my hand for the first time because she did not have the words to tell me that she likes me. (Plus other things I better not mention here.)
...an ex running after me.
...another ex coming back to Jo.
...almost losing Jo.
... meeting Anonymous Texter.. hello to you!
... losing my UP dreams. (Maghaharap pa tayo)

February is composed of...
... winning the Graduation Song Competition. We March On woohoo!
... Happy happy Valentine's Day!

March is composed of...
... Jo saying I love you for the first time on my birthday.
... the best birthday evaaaah!
... 4C bringing me to my happiest!
... Graduating with awards. :D (And getting by Physics without studying. HELL TO THAT.)

April and May are composed of...
... start of the best summer!
... making it official with Jo. :)
... taking up classes in UP.
... Batangaaaas with Jo, Ea and Prince.

June-December months are composed of...
... growing up.
... meeting new friends.
... getting into vices.
... ART ART AND ART!
... fighting and working for my dreams.
... driiiiiving.
... coming-back anonymous texter WE KNOW YOU
... keeping up with 4C!!
... Jo's debut hahahaha!
... better, better days for my family. :D
... learning.
... coming back to God.
... JO DAAAAAAYYYYYSSSSSS

So forgive me for the lack of my words. My mind cannot contain every detail that made up this 2008. But entirely, I can say that 2008 has not been cruel. It could have been better. But given any chance, I would embrace it entirely in the refusal of any alterations. This year, I changed a lot, for better and worse in different streets of my being. I did not get to write as much but I grew more. I grew up but I saw the importance of keeping LIFE in you. I learned to choose to fight for what your soul needs and what your heart loudly shouts of. I learned that your dream is yours and that you can do whatever you want to do with it, like your own piece of clay. This year proved to me that there is always coming back in leaving. In fact, it even proved to me that not all people leave. It also proved to me that chances of getting your dreams can runaway from you BUT HELL TO THAT, RUN AFTER THOSE. Or rather, get some other chances! Madami diyan promise! This year, I found the corners of my soul that, when pricked, would kill me.

I saw so much cruelty this year. But as I would always say, I choose not to drive along with it. What I did and what I would always do, I will go the other way, the better one. I may be a bitch but sometimes, I still choose to know better. This year, I decided to add up a little kindness to this world, a little heart, a little smile. I am have become a grown-up myself as well but I keep the poet and the artist, here, right here with me. As I have not done before, I chose to appreciate the people around me more. I decided to give my family the value they deserve. For my friends, I believed in them more and loved them more. This year, I chose to love. I may lose all the wealth in the world but love, that's what I won't lose. That's what the world will never lose. And that, I have proved very well with the occurrences of 2008. I saw it on tv, read from a book or a magazine, seen right in front of me... love is exists. We just need a little more effort to make it evident. A man giving food to an unfortunate one. A grandson helping his grandmother. A husband buying his wife a gift, with his own choice. A girlfriend hugging her boyfriend. A stranger smiling at another. You know, those little acts of kindness. That's why I chose to love a little more. I want the world to see that even with the cruelty, love is still there. And it will never, ever die. I show the world love the best I could because I want it to see that this world is too damn beautiful to be given up on. Every damned day and every frkn start of the year, people, everyone... we wish for change without even knowing that all of us can do something. But after all, we just need to smile more. Hug people more. And appreciate more.

Showing and giving out love, that's what I will continue to do in the years to come.

And maybe you should do that too. :)

Happy New Year everyone! :D

Let's be happy Christmas-y for a while. Even just for a while. :)

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 15:25:03 GMT

Christmas only visits once a year. People get at least an inch happier once a year. It does not come often that the world brights up a little more.

If there were a Love Day, it would not be Valentine's. It would be Christmas.

So smile a little more. Hug a little tighter. Be more honest. Speak of nicer things. Raise the intensity of love. Give more.

Most of all, remember Jesus. Give MORE of your time to Him.

Till here.

Merry Christmas World. :)

Something I would not post anywhere but here.

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 13:33:57 GMT

Again, because no one cares enough to read my LJ.

I grew up weak. Weak knees, weak resistance... even with weak heart and weak lungs.

More than ever, my weakness scares me. Palpitation for me is not a stranger. It comes by once in a while. But recently, I've been having it in such frequency that it does not seem normal anymore. My heartbeat count is growing. It gets a little hard to breathe sometimes. I palpitate at least twice a day.

It scares me.

Because I don't know what happening. Maybe my health (or lack of it) is catching up on me.

"Broke up with my girl last night so I went to the club."

Sun, 16 Nov 2008 03:08:30 GMT

I know that you will not be coming here anymore. Hence, you will not be able to read this. You will not be able to read my words as you will never know how much I miss you. You will never know how much love i have for you. Then again, there's no point in telling you because you won't believe a word. And you will never know how stupid I am for letting this take over us.

I just let some other lucky lady out there get you.

WOW.

Galing mo, Queenie.

GALING MO TALAGA.

Jump off a building dali na.

Haha.

---

LIGHTER NOTE.

PARTYYYYYY (ALL DAY?) ALL NIGHT NEXT WEEK NO FREAKIN CLASSES. :>
Jaipur for DJ ATOOOOY. :> Mcdo Arch crushiiiiieeeeeee.

And my heart breaks.

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 14:07:03 GMT

Tonight, I found out that I have lost my soul.

My acting does not deserve an encore any longer. It does not hold the power to inspire awe. It does not hold the power to push people's hearts.

My words are gone. I no longer write verses of beauty or magical pieces of prose. My literature has abandoned me.

My music has gone silent. I have stopped playing. My notes and tabs are foreign to me now. I no longer can play passion or sadness... not even silence.

And lastly, my art too has ran out of color. My dolphin looks like a bird. I cannot draw an outline of a dog. I think I'm back to drawing stick people.

I was good at something.

Now, I am not doing well. Not in anything.

The world is quiet here.

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 19:29:50 GMT

And so I prefer this side of the world. No one will judge. And no one will steal information that can kill. It's better this way. Only because here, no one reads me.

Desperate

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 18:12:36 GMT

So this is what I love about LJ, people barely read my account. So now, I can post any humiliation I have written and I shall go back to it when I've done another one. And see if I still have the writer in me.

---

Forgive me, Love,
for even with so much effort
to breathe something in,
nothing comes out.

Perhaps, nothing will ever come out

for these verses are not worthy
of the fire I have lay down before you.

Writer's Block taking too long

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 18:02:46 GMT

Before writing these words down, I was able to write a crap of more than a hundred words (yes, I counted.) I deleted them and am left with this.

You don't have to be filthy rich for your world to revolve around money.

Thu, 16 Oct 2008 14:10:13 GMT

I left the computer for my mom to use early this evening. I went down, started to take a nap, conquered the forever-loved sofa. It was a good sleep. It was a good sleep that started a good night. Or so I thought it was. I woke up hearing a mad typer killing the keypads of my laptop... only to find out that it was my mom using the laptop. Finally getting back to my senses after the just-woke-up phase we get after sleeping, I realized that I gave the internet up for my mom to use for a while. And there she was, crying. Not like it does not happen often. It does. And that is exactly why I'm writing right now. I often see her cry. It a pretty good life that we have. Leisure can be coveted often. Ask and we shall receive. But with this kind of life, we leave my mom and dad fighting over petty things, arguing over money which is least likely to be fought on. And so, getting back to what happened tonight, I kinda had to put up a brave face. I had to pretend as though I didn't care. Well, I do, it's just that I always choose to look indifferent because I won't be able to help anyway. And even if I try to, say, help, she will just push me away and tell me that I should not care because I won't be able to help. So yeah, same thing. Often I do not understand these grown-ups I had no choice but to call my parents. Hey, I love them. Of course I do. It's just that it's hard to make sense out of the labyrinth they're making out of their lives. They use the internet to talk. And I become just glad to see that because, hey, it's the closest thing they get to being together... and then all of a sudden there's a storm running from Manila to Guam. And how lame is that? Maybe they're getting too much of the speed this life has. Or maybe they just don't know how to stop and wonder upon the words and thoughts they have that's why they just render anything they think of hence the unwanted words. Thus, the fights.

I'm used to it, really, I grew up with them fighting. Like, before, they almost got separated. Good thing I made them a drawing of a happy family. And (yey?) they got back together. But really I have long given up the thought of a peaceful household. For real, I don't really care if they part ways or not. Growing up waking up to your parents quarelling? Your parents fighting when dad comes home? Gah, separation is nothing. Well, I don't think that's really going to happen. It's just me and my thoughts.

I am not writing this for the world to see the noise that bothers me here at home. I am writing this because in this world, I can show that I care. As I can show that I can be indifferent. In this world, the tone of my words can't be heard. And you, reader, won't even know if I am crying as I write this. Okay, I'll give it away. No I am not crying right now. You know why? Because these words can cry for me, because tonight's incident is just one of the many I have been through, because I choose to be oblivious, I choose to have my own world... and because somehow, my mother's happy.The dollar to peso exchange is 1=48.something. Ah yes, her happiness.

:|

Wed, 08 Oct 2008 16:12:00 GMT

Perhaps this world expands by the sunrise. For nothing, not even love so big, can ever fill our souls in any way, on any day.

It is tragic, though, that the one thing that keeps us unfilled, when it starts to stray away from us, will leave us with nothing making us feel we are, more or less, nothing.

The best my words can get. The worst my life can be.

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 13:16:09 GMT

They say that if one wishes for a certain thing and keeps it in mind and heart with much belief, one will get it.

Looking back, I did not want my dream as much as I do now. And even if I did, I know that I wanted it for the wrong reasons. So, I do not blame God for not giving it to me the first time I tried to get hold of it.

I stand today taking the second and perhaps the last chance I will ever get for me to live the one dream that will define the life ahead of me. And I know that this time, I want it not because I want to have pride burning in me but because I have given a valve in my heart for this-- a big one at that. So I'm wondering why the occurences of today do not reflect the occurence of my dream in the future. 87, 88 and 85 do not speak of my dreams. Every plate I make, in fact every line I make, I do for my dreams. Yes, reader, that is how much I am in love with my dream, that is how much I have built my life around it. This time, I do not want to fail. I want to believe that I have given enough of myself or at least of my want to it for it to be finally mine. As much as I do not want to, God has been trying to break me. I do not know if it is my fault that my art is not great enough for a 2.0. That is not much. Then again, I've been crawling on the pavement to get it. And if I were doing that literally, I'd be bruised and bloody by now. Dead, even.

I do not know what God wants for me to do. He has given so much to others. He has gotten enough of life from me.

I hope this time He will give me something, and that something, hopefully, would be UP.

I have lost my verses, my sound, my sight and my soul. I have lost enough. I pray that time will not steal from me the dream that is mine, the one that I pray will be in sync with now and reality. In that moment, I will be happy. And fulfilled.

It's what I've always wanted to do.

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 12:53:47 GMT

Writing, I will get back at you. I promise.

Some are envious because they think I have so much love in my life...

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 17:24:41 GMT

Well, to those who believe that, you're wrong. It's more messy than it is love-filled. And, The One is getting blurry again. I want it to be you, honey. But yeah, as I said, it's getting all blurry.

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 15:22:38 GMT

I have been at the worst version of me. Sure, that version has been getting me through the thoughest of plates and the most painful of heartaches, but as I go on being that, I know in me that I will never, ever like that person. One, because I know that that is not me. Two, because the people around me tell me that that is not me. Most of the time, I trust other people because I believe they know more about myself than I do.
School has been killing me. Pressure has been pulling my down. My dream is still very hazy from where I am standing. And I just came from a very, very destructive fight with the one person who has always been the standing sane thing in my life.

But then again, I do not have any enough reason to erase the (quoting a friend) beautiful and amazing person that I am with what is around me, with what is possible to do around me. Really, whatever I have done will never ever measure me as a person. It is just that, in any way, that is not the Queenie they know slash they want to be nor is it the Queenie I want to be.

I am just 16. I am young. And as she has said, I am still a little girl.

So don't grow up too fast, young lady. There is more this world than growing up. Besides, growing up is not exactly fun.

Fine. Little girl naman palagi eh. Haha! Kaya Joselle, panindigan mo ang pagtawag sakin ng Little Girl. BRAT HERE. Haha. Kidding. Love, thank you for helping me get through. And I'm sorry for whatever I've done. ILOVEYOULITTLEPRINCENASUUUUPERCRUSHKO! :D

Not All Good

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 03:38:31 GMT

I know that one day, I'll wake up happy again.
I just know it.

I've fallen a million times and stood up a million and one.
I think I can fall down again and stand up and fight once more.

Was it You?

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 14:51:54 GMT

I drove again tonight. I went to MoA. I went fast. Really fast. (I even freaked the driver out.)
Therapy for me. Speed as the best way of running away for just a few minutes.
And then I went back to Taft.
I almost cried beside the driver because I did not feel pleasant still. And it felt bad again. It felt so bad.

But tonight, I would like to believe that God talked to me for a while before I left Taft, before I get lost in the thought of what does not exist.

There was a man walking beside Burgundy. And his shirt said..
"UP
Yours."

Whatever that meant, I would like to believe that it was my God.